I have heard people say to me things like "well she didn't get THAT way eating salads" or "It's not like she is at the gym every morning working that ass off". These statements carry the implication that one should be eating salads all the time and it is their fault they are overweight: that if they would just work harder and spend 10% of their life everyday working out they could be thin like they 'should' be. For the most part I have agreed with these types of sentiments and nodded in agreement whenever this topic of weight would rise. I mean really...is it not just a calories in/calories out equation???
Except it is not that way at all. I am fucking furious right now at society and the shallow fucking people who live this lie and perpetuate body hate and ridiculous standards of perfection that are unhealthy.
I am really 'overweight' right now. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life (aside from when I was pregnant with my first and second). I have actually GAINED 20 lbs since I had Georgette 10 months ago. It is the most frustrating thing. People who have not had this experience will never understand how depressing this is for me.
I don't eat crap. I don't sit on my couch at night eating chips and donuts. I very rarely drink soda or juice. I am very conscious of the things I put in my body and eat relatively clean 95% of the time. I am not a carbaholic and would never choose white bread/pasta. I choose fruit or a handful of nuts for a snack most often. I am not perfect and sometimes when the family goes out for ice cream I indulge in a small scoop of my favourite. Once in a moon I do eat 'fast food' or pizza. It is about once a month. I certainly know that the way I eat is NOT reflective of my size according to the normal ideas.
I am also breastfeeding not one, but two children (if you don't think a 2 year old should be nursing you should go do some research and come argue that point with me...I know I have science and nature on my side). Whenever someone says "Oh breastfeeding is a great way to loose weight!" I want to punch them in the face. Seriously. FUCK OFF.
So three weeks ago I joined Weight Watchers. In my head I really thought it must be my fault, that I was eating too much. I don't exercise a lot. I do try and do yoga a couple times a week and am moderately active with my kids on a daily basis. Surely if I just dieted and exercised more the weight would pour off....right?
So I did. I biked, I did ab routines, I did Pilates. I followed my weight watchers exactly. In fact, I only used half of my weekly 'points plus' the second week and came under on daily points by a couple almost every single day. I even invested in a nice digital food scale and in my second week. I started weighting all my food down to the gram. Because I had guests for a great deal of this time, it meant I definitely missed out on a LOT of treats others were having. I made this new recipe up for Butter Pecan Crunch bars and everyone raved about how good they were. I never even tasted them. We went out for Ice Cream once and I got nothing other than a lick of Jaxen's cone. I limited myself on alcohol intake and was conscious of my pours (5 oz of wine in a glass).
Guess how much weight I lost?????
None. In fact, I actually gained a pound. No, it is not muscle. My pants don't fit better and I don't feel any different. I fucking gained a pound. This is so ridiculous.
Weight Watchers Online is time consuming (about 25 minutes a day tracking and figuring out exactly how many points). It also doesn't have a lot of food I eat even in the system (Spirulina powder for instance is not on there and when you input the values it doesn't at all make sense). Still, I did it. I am still doing it. I feel like if I give up then people will just further blame me for my weight. So for the next 6 months as long as I am enrolled in this program I will record every single thing I put in my mouth.
After all, shouldn't I just be able to eat a fucking salad every day and go to the gym and then I could be skinny like all the people who are full of all this great advice???
"You should get a personal trainer"
- Yeah...because I have time and money for that...I have four kids and we are on one income..
"You cannot possible fail with Weight Watchers. If you follow the program, you will loose the weight"
- Um....wrong. I did follow the program for three weeks and I gained a lb.
"well, you were really thin before so I am sure you can loose the weight again"
- Oh, do you mean when I lived on coffee and cigarettes and purged my guts out anytime I ate something 'bad' for me because my ex husband had told me I was fat and disgusting and I believed him???? because you are sooooo right! That was much healthier for me *eye roll*. Perhaps I can pick up a coke habit or start smoking again because I bet that would work for sure!
Then there is the impact this is having on my daughter. I hate it. Body hate is passed down and I can already see the impact my diet is having on her own self image. It makes me cry to type this because I know I am furthering the cycle of body hate I have that was instilled in me by watching my own mother constantly diet and 'watch' her weight. When my daughter saw the weight watchers page on the computer one day (I had forgotten to close out the window) her faced dropped. She was not happy or encouraging at all. She felt this was a betrayal of everything I had taught her about just loving yourself for who you are. She is right. What a fraud.
If you think this blog sounds angry, you are right. I am angry. I am angry I live in a society that makes me feel like a piece of shit everyday because I am curvy. I am fucking annoyed as hell that some idiots actually think giving up breastfeeding my children so I can starve myself and get my 'body' back is the best thing to do. I am angry that I am made to feel like I am a lazy pig and that is why I am heavy, as opposed to perhaps I am just naturally a more voluptuous person (The new trend in this new body hate movement is to tell us bigger ladies that being 'big boned, or 'curvy' isn't a natural thing: it is just an excuse for us to not be 'better').
You think I should try harder???? You think I should eat less and exercise more???
I think you are a shallow idiot....F*&k You.